Part Three

PART THREE

LIVING ALONE

It’s 3:30 am. The air has a smell of sweet rain water. The air temperature is warm but not hot. A warmness that feels comfortable and inviting. I step outside into that night air and it envelops me like a Mother that wraps her arms around her child that she loves unconditionally. I feel safe and loved here in Antigua. The blackness of the night is punctuated by the lights on the masts of sailboats, some at anchor and some tied to their slips in the marinas scattered around Falmouth Bay. My sailboat is anchored. I have no lights on as I am miserly when it comes to saving electricity. Though I have solar panels and a wind generator which in total make around 100 amps per day, there are many days that I use more than I make. On those days I have to start the engine and make more with the alternator. This is where I live now, on board a 42’ Pearson 424 sloop sailboat. She’s an old lady with a facelift and a heart transplant. She’s almost 30 years old but her engine is a lot younger. It’s only 10 years old and used only 1500 hours.

I’m awake. It’s not unusual for me to wake up around this time of night. My bladder can’t wait until sunup. And then the thoughts come, uncontrollably. Lots of thoughts and I toss and turn trying to find just the right combination of body position and pillow configuration. But it’s no use, I can’t fall asleep. So I get up and look around. Did I drag? Am I still at anchor where I am supposed to be, where I have been for 10 days? The neighboring boats seem to be in the same place so , no, I have not dragged. I wonder if I’ll drag when summer storms will arrive. Will I even be here when those storms arrive? I hardly know where I’ll be next week let alone 3 months from now. It’s the beginning of Spring now and I’m looking forward to somewhat calmer winds. Those winter winds, called Christmas winds here, have been strong. Gusts to 35 were not uncommon. Cold fronts from the North sweep down towards the Caribbean Sea and suck the trade winds into them, thereby accelerating the already brisk easterlies from their usual 15-20 knots up to 20-25 and even stronger gusts. It made sailing difficult, but, nevertheless, we made it, from the Virgin Islands to St.Martin, St.Barth, St.Kitts, Nevis, Montserrat, Guadeloupe, and finally, Antigua.

This is where she finally decided to get a one way ticket back to the US. Back to her family, back to living on land, and away from me. It has not been a vacation for her. It has not been as pleasant as she had imagined it would be when she suggested we buy a sailboat and travel to the Caribbean Islands. That was 2 years ago and now she has had enough. But mainly, she has had enough of me. She has had enough of the arguing, the fighting over who is right, the fighting over who should be Captain. She is also fed up of looking for provisions and lugging bags to the dinghy and then transferring them onto the boat. She is fed up of moving ten things to get at the one thing she is looking for. Everything is difficult.She is fed up of having to save electricity, of conserving the precious fresh water that we make, using precious electricity. She is fed up of so many things and the sailing that was supposed to be so wonderful is seldom experienced in the way she had fanaticized back then, two years ago when we set off from Beaufort, NC.

I didn’t know what I was getting myself into when I retired and agreed to a life at sea, on a sailboat. After 35 years working in the Chemical Industry, I was not experienced in the sailors’ lifestyle. I read books, and it all sounded pretty good. But you don’t know what something is like until you experience it for yourself because it is the feeling of the experience that counts and you can only feel when you are immersed.
So here I am immersed in the warm air of Antigua. It’s still early in the morning and I am alone.
I read, a long time ago, that loneliness is being alone and not wanting to be alone. But I have since learned that we are always alone even when someone is standing next to us. So what if I am alone now? It’s nice to have someone to talk to and to share what you are experiencing. But when what you are experiencing is not what the other wants to experience, this becomes a problem. Another thing “they” say is that relationships are either for a season, for a reason, or for a lifetime. I haven’t experienced the latter but I’ve had many for a season, sometimes only a day, a week , or a month, and I’ve had several for a reason. Becky was one of those that I had for a reason. I have no idea if I’ll ever find one for a lifetime, and my lifetime now is getting rather short.
Am I feeling loneliness? Is this the feeling of loneliness? I feel something. A kind of sadness. I’m not depressed, no, I know what that feels like. Is this the feeling of grieving? I have lost someone. It’s like a death. Maybe this is grieving? Yet I don’t recall having this feeling when my Father died, nor when my Mother died. So is this the feeling of loneliness?
Relationships, I have had quite a few and I have learned a lot, from all of them, but mainly from those that I had for a reason. And now that I know so much, now that I have finally figured it all out, now that I could have a terrific relationship, NOW, I am alone.


I feel I am beginning to grasp the consequences of being alone, some good, some not so good.

I have come to find the good, even in the bad, a trait for which I am grateful. I’ve enjoyed the freedom of being alone, of not being judged. I can be on the computer as long as I want, eat anything, anytime. I watch videos of comedians at 2:00 am. I laugh out loud at Dana Cook, at 3:30 am. I can write, read, or doing anything I please, anytime. Being alone allows a person to be totally aware of his being, his feelings, desires, and fears.

I know I am right when I claim I have the knowledge of what it takes to be happy. It takes three ingredients.
Gratefulness, Forgiveness and Love. I am grateful, I have forgiven, but I need to Love. Without someone to Love, happiness is unavailable. What I feel right now is not loneliness, yet I am lonely. What I feel is the loss of Love. I can not feel the Love. It’s like an electric cord that has been disconnected from the wall socket. The current can not flow. The current of Love has stopped. The love is now contained inside of me, unable to flow. I am damned.

That is the sadness that I feel. That is the happiness I once had that I have lost. I am indeed grieving.While I did not feel the same feeling when my parents died, it was not because I did not love them. No, I loved them very much, but I had a lot of time to accept their loss, since they were sick with cancer. I felt happiness for their passing because I loved them and wished their suffering to end. I had accepted losing them.

If I am truly serious about Self Actualization, I need to be careful that now that I am alone, I don’t stay stuck in a static form of life. Accepting who I am rather than to strive to achieve my full potential. Many think that Self Actualization means discovering who you are, accepting who you are, and living a life congruent with who you are. That is only partly true. It can also be a lazy mans’ way out, avoiding the changes and the growth to become who you can be, living a life that attains ones’ full potential, living life fully. Being free from slavery, free from addictions.

This is why Becky, in many ways, was a good partner. She did not accept me the way I am. She pushed me to become a better man. Yet I pushed back. I pushed back because I feared that her criticism was a lack of love for who I am. I feared that it was the same as what my Father got from my Mother.Yet, he had deserved some of the criticism! Just I like deserve it! I do need to change and grow and learn new skills!I am wrong to push back vehemently the criticism that I deserve. She was just trying to help, annoying as it was to me. She just did not know how to do it in the correct way!

I am coming to the conclusion that it will take a very special someone for me to go back to land. I don’t want to buy a home and start looking because I may have to go far to find the right person.

The right person must be earthy.She must be comfortable with the outdoors and a minimalist life style with little material possessions. She should love water and horses and be a good cook and adore me. We should be spiritually connected through a common love for Nature and a reverence for the process which created this wonder.

I am becoming so sure of what I want. This is a consequence of my increased introspection and connection with my feelings, with my inner Self. It’s wonderful to be so connected. It’s like becoming reborn.I also know what kind of woman I want and what I don’t want. It’s practically impossible to explain. I’ll know for sure this time. Becky came close.

And yet I feel disconnected from her now.

Differences are what makes us all unique people. Our culture influences who we are, these roots can be tenacious as I learned with all my relationships with women.

I have examined my relationships with women and concluded that I have been drawn to women who appeared to me to be needy. I felt superior and strong because I had the money, I had the good education and the good job and they would admire me for that. I would be the hero, the Prince that rescues the damsel in distress. The damsel would be forever grateful to me and so remain loyal and I could count on her even well into old age.

That did not work out well. The damsel would be resentful and would try to even out the balance of power by trying to either put me down through criticism. In addition, it was clear to me and to her that although I had money and a good education, I was nevertheless weak in many ways. My recent experience in trying to become a sailor is a perfect example of appearing, and being, weak. I was not able to be entirely self sufficient and became overly dependent on her. That only served to reinforce the need to control and to master, and that led to frustration as control and mastery is not possible in today’s modern society. That is left to other patriarchal cultures.


**************************************


My Journey to Self Actualization has ended. I realized that a few of days ago. I have achieved what I have considered to be a life long quest. I now know exactly what it is to be Self Actualized. It’s really amazing in its simplicity, yet I know now that I have not experienced this state , this way, ever before in my life.

It is the most liberating experience!But I also realize that the Journey to Self Actualization is not a Journey that ends at a destination. Self Actualization is not a destination, not even a stop along the way. Self Actualization is simply a change in “comportement” . It’s a state of being that is simply that.. A state, a frame of mind, a freedom to be and not a state of trying to be, but mainly, it's living in the moment, being fully aware of your experience as it is happening.

But the Journey continues, the future is compelling. But now the Journey is continued as a Self Actualized person rather than one who is searching for it.

I realized it a few days ago, during my walk, as I walked up a steep hill, on my way to the beach. I was walking up and feeling the strain of the climb, making me think how much this resembles life itself, a steady climb. Then I reached the crest of the hill and could see the ocean. The magnificent ocean, the beauty of Nature all around me, I had a “peak experience” that moment. At that moment I had a contact with my soul, with my Self, and I felt what it was to be Self Actualized and knew this time, it was going to last forever.

And so far, what is normally just a fleeting sensation that lasts only as long as the peak experience, this time it has stayed with me.

I realize also that this time I am free from concern about my Self Esteem. I am very content that I am a good person. Regardless that I have some faults, that I am not the best writer, not the best sailor, not the best musician, not the best lover, not the best cook, not the best mechanic, not even the best business man. But I am the best at being me.

I believe that by adopting the 10 Commandments as my roadmap to Goodness, and by being able to Love, really Love, and be Grateful to be alive, and to have Forgiven all who have brought me pain in the past, I am indeed a Good person , a worthy person, a person who can be counted on to at least try his best. This is why I feel my Self esteem needs are fulfilled.

But the Journey is not over, it is never over because the Destination is only reached when you die. The Journey now is all about being Good, and Living. I will Live now as a free man, free to be ME without regard to whether someone judges me one way or the other because only I can be Judge and I judge myself to be quite OK.

I can Live congruent with my real Self, I am not my Persona, my Persona is a tool, like clothing , that I use in certain situations where my Persona is appropriate.

I feel exhilaration. I feel a freedom that I have never ever in my life felt like this before.Being Self Actualized brings a feeling that is almost indescribable. It is like a constant feeling of contentment yet that is not what it is. Imagine skiing at the top of the world, in the Alps, and the clouds are beneath you, as well as the town. There is nothing above you other than blue sky and you feel the way the poet Sam McGee expressed it.. You feel you can reach out and touch the face of God. At that moment, you do not think about work, you do not think about whether your wife loves you or criticizes you, you don’t criticize yourself for being inept in certain ways, of lacking skills in anything...no, you are entirely in the present and entirely aware of the pleasure you are experiencing and that is the only thing that you feel and think, and the you that feels all this is the Self, the real and only you. It is the you and not the “you” you would like to be , nor the you that you would like not to be. It’s the you the very real and unique you.So now this is what I feel all the time, that contact with the real me and that I am the real me.

But this is not a destination, it’s a liberation. It’s like continuing a trip but taking off the jacket that you were wearing because you don’t need it now, the weather is warm and you are continuing your trip without the need of a jacket, without the need to fulfill my need for Self Esteem. Self Esteem is no longer my preoccupation. Living life is my preoccupation now, and Living a life that is congruent with who I am. And I know exactly who I am, who I can Love, what I can do and not do.

Now is the best time of my life.

I am so much looking forward to tomorrow, to continue the Journey.